I am getting there with the book, at last. I think. I have got some time off work next week to get really stuck in. And I am scared.
This is real life. A story that happened a long time ago that felt like a big deal at the time but that is just the way things are now. What if people think it is boring? What if no one wants to buy it? What if Tom hates it?
We are open about things. He knows that when I found out I was having a baby, I was scared and I wasn’t ready. He knows that I didn’t know anything about babies and thought that all they did was cry and poo. He knows that I got a pleasant surprise when I met him and that I love him very much. He knows that I am writing a book about it all and he says it is fine, but he is only six.
Right now, I have recounted the story in my head so many times and looked at the manuscript so often that it feels like big plate of tangled up spaghetti in my head.
A long time ago, I interviewed the lovely Caroline Smailes about her book Black Boxes and I asked her which was more difficult: giving birth or writing a book. She said the book.
When women are in labour, sometimes they go crazy when they get to the transitional stage; the bit where the baby makes it round the corner and it’s time to start pushing. It really hurts and they’ve had enough and they don’t think they can do it any more. When I got to that part, I said to the midwife “If you gave me a loaded gun now, I would shoot myself.” She told me not to be silly, but I meant every word. In the end, Tom got stuck and I had to have a caesarean.
I suppose that’s where I am with this book: the transitional stage. I am frightened that I can’t do it and I’m panicking a bit.
They don’t extract books by emergency caesarean if they get stuck. You have to keep pushing.
I’m going to go back to it now. I want some gas and air.