Party Time

During my time as a mother, I have discovered that I hate  am not very good at children’s parties. I never have enough money to hire a venue, I hate McDonalds and our house is too small. Also, if I’m honest, I don’t enjoy the idea of being responsible for a load of E numbered up children. Every year, I get annoyed with soft play areas for not spelling their names correctly, tentatively call a few church halls and wonder how people ever afford to do it. Every year, I end up inviting the same few friends and family round, buying party food that no one ever eats and staying up all night, trying to get the house ready, so that I am knackered, panicky and tearful by the time the guests arrive.

This year, I’ve decided to get ahead of myself. Tom’s sixth birthday is weeks away and I am determined to get it right.

“What kind of party would you like?”

“An Ancient Egypt party.”

“That’s quite specific.”

“What does specific mean?”

“It means that it’s quite niche.”

“What does niche mean?”

“It’s a very specialist party. It might be quite difficult to do. And the costumes are limited, for the guests. Why don’t we just do  general fancy dress party? You can still dress as a mummy.”

“I don’t want to be a mummy, I want to be a pyramid.”

“You can’t be a pyramid.”

“Why not? All you would need is some cardboard and yellow paint.”

“All I would need?!”

“Yeah, you’re good at making things.”

“Thanks. Seriously, though. I don’t think an Ancient Egypt party would work.”

“I do. I’ve been thinking about it. Monty could be the Sphinx.”

“We’d get reported to the RSPCA. What about the other children, anyway? We can’t expect their parents to rustle up pyramid costumes.”

“We’ll wrap them in toilet roll.”

“What about music?”

“I know! I know! Walk Like an Egyptian.”

“We can’t just invite a load of children to a church hall and wrap them in toilet roll and put the Bangles on repeat.”

“Why not?”

“It won’t work.”

“Yes it will. It will be fun. I’ve planned it.”

“Go on…”

“Well, you know that game call ‘Pin the tail on the donkey?'”


“We could have ‘pin the hump on the camel’. Geddit?”

“I don’t know if they had camels in Ancient Egypt, but yes.”

“And we could have gingerbread mummies instead of gingerbread men and the adults could be different Egypt fings, like those men with birds’ heads and dogs’ heads on top of men’s bodies.”

“And loin cloths. Those things only wore loin cloths.”

“What’s a loin cloth?”

“A piece of fabric that covers your private parts and nothing else.”

“Well, they could wear normal clothes if they wanted to, but they could make bird and dog heads out of junk from lying around their house.”

“Who am I, in the plan?”

“Claire O’Patra.”

“Can we not just go to MacDonalds?”

                     I blame the Playmobil.


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15 responses to “Party Time

  1. Clare O’Patra! I love it. Please invite me. I’ll bring my mummy.

  2. Brilliant. My nephe has been obsessed with Egyptians for 6 months and got his Playmobil Egyptian chariot for Xmas.

    • Emily

      Wow! We got the pyramid and the sphinx but I didn’t know about the chariot. That might be an idea for a birthday present, thank you.

  3. Children’s parties terrify me too! I’ve never been to one of those playbarn places and wondering how long I’ll be able to get away with it.

    Ancient Egypt party sounds fab!

    • Emily

      Playbarns are the worst places in the world. Avoid at all costs. Also, children’s parties: jelly and tantrums and vomit. No, no, no.

      • Emily

        also: smelly egg sandwiches, popping balloons and scraps over the last few chairs in musical chairs. I hated them then and I hate them now.

  4. Brilliant! You’ve got to post pics of this party! It sounds epic!

  5. I think you’d look beautiful as Cleopatra.

  6. Now there’s a children’s party I’d attend. Wow! Brilliant!

  7. Sounds ace, especially the gingerbread mummies! CJ went to one at Wacky Warehouse recently, except she thought it was called Wicky Woohouse. I don’t like correcting her when her version is better (like Farmer Christmas, my personal favourite).

    • Emily

      I love Wicky Woohouse! And Farmer Christmas – he used to say that. Video her as much as you can, you forget how cute they sound. I’m not correcting Claire O’Patra anytime soon.

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