National Crap Marketers’ Week

“I don’t want to be a renator,” moaned Tom.

“A narrator is a good job, you got it because you’re getting good at reading,” I said.

“A renator is rubbish, I want to be a character.”

“Which character?”

“An angel.”

“You are an angel…. A lot of the time.”

“Grr! Not an angel like what you call me Mum,” Tom growled, his face red and cross and far from angelic, “an angel in a costume in the play.”

I will try to dig out the Christmas tree from under the stairs soon. It feels like yesterday that I threw camping stuff on top of it thinking it would be ages before I would need it again. This is the fifth Christmas and the most real so far. Real because we have a nativity play to contend with and because Father Christmas is definitely coming. Mum took Tom to see him on Saturday.

“Ho ho ho, what would you like for Christmas?” Santa said (or something like that, anyway.)

“Erm honestly?” Tom said, “I don’t fink there’s anything else I need.”

Brilliant. Cheap. (I will buy him something though.)

We’ve been listening to this CD called the Rainbow Collection which features the lady from Zero 7 singing carols and Christmas songs. I get a lot of PR companies emailing me every day, people who haven’t read this blog and don’t seem to realise that it is not just a list of reviews of absolutely anything. Because I am a mother and I write a blog, they think I am eternally pregnant and / or lactating and that all I ever do is test and talk about baby paraphenalia. Anyway, I said yes to the Rainbow Collection CD, mainly because I was impressed by the PR’s initiative:

“I would like to send you a CD,” she wrote, “Perhaps something to cheer you and Tom up after the sad death of Gandhi.”

Ridiculous, but 10/10 for research. And 10/10 for effectiveness: The CD is quite good. It’s certainly the best Christmas compilation I have ever heard. If I could post a video of Tom dancing to it, I would. I have to admit, it got me feeling mildly excited about Christmas and it’s only the 2nd of December.

The stupid press releases continue to land in my inbox. People want me to review books about weaning, sick covers for baby car seats, breast pumps, nappy disposal units,  potties and more. They want me to write about the fact that Cheryl Cole is the celebrity children most idolise, even though she is an icon of everything false and she once battered a toilet attendant.

I thought I had reached the end of my irrelevant press release tether the other day, when I received an email about maternity jeans. I am not pregnant and I will ensure that I do not get pregnant anytime soon. Just read the blog, really. Yesterday, the king of all shit releases landed in my inbox:

‘National Dads Matter Week’ is a national initiative which aims to raise awareness of the important role dads play in the upbringing and education of their children.


If you’re a PR and you’re reading this, thanks. I am interested in the following products, which your clients may have available for review: Laser eye surgery, festival and / or gig tickets, holidays, good clothes, hairdos, a new sofa, a new laptop, a new desk, a new washing machine and many different kinds of alcoholic beverages. Tom has everything he needs, he said so himself.


*I would like to add that I do genuinely love Trunki inventions and that Tom’s Boostapak and GoVinci are both big, relevant hits.



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9 responses to “National Crap Marketers’ Week

  1. Great blog, your little boy sounds adorable and super bright. Shame all these PR companies just regard mummy bloggers as a homogenous mass and don’t take the chance to actually read the blogs-another example of disregard for the blogging community. You totally connect with your readers though. Hope Santa brings you your wishlist. Funny mine looks v similar, let’s hope the bearded man doesn’t get us confused.

  2. Rachel

    I like the idea, though, of these marketing people looking for publicity from a blog with ‘shit’ in the title! It seems so anti everything that a marketer would look for, or does this just mean they don’t even read the title?
    and Re : ‘National Dads Matter Week ‘: it is true that Dads have a lot to teach their sons : my son’s Dad has taught him (by example) to talk over me when he doesn’t like what I am saying, and that all other people are idiots. Both of which I feel will stand him in good stead for adult relationships.

    • Emily

      Ha I know, when he was younger, I considered pitching for sponsorship from Pampers, but I wasn’t sure the shitty title would tie in well with their image (despite what their products are for.)

  3. Ange

    Crap marketers seem to go for the female blogs – have you seen this?

  4. Andy Merrett

    Why the hell don’t you grow up?

    So your personal situation seems to mean you are mortally offended by the notion that dads should be honoured a little bit more? I’m not a dad (medical difficulties) but I’m not ranting about it.

    Easy step:

    Unsubscribe from irrelevant lists and tell PRs you don’t want to hear from that you don’t want their press releases. Don’t spew all over Twitter and everywhere else — they’re doing a job, they’re not idiots. Neither are fathers, in general, whatever your experience of them might be.

    • Emily

      Hi Andy, thanks for commenting.

      I am certainly not mortally offended by the notion that dads should be honoured a little bit more. The email was a lttle ironic, given the subject of the blog. It is bad practise (and idiotic) for PR agencies to just fire out press releases without doing a little research into what the recipients actually write about beforehand. You don’t subscribe to any lists, the press releases just land. And fathers are definitely not idiots in general, I know loads of brilliant dads. Sorry you read that wrong.

  5. I was picked to be ‘renator’ one year too… would’ve given my eye teeth to be a donkey, I always hated the limelight.
    Fantastic blog, by the way. Love your writing 🙂

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