Nothing. Zilch. Nada.

Thanks to the readers who donated to Bloggers for Haiti. We have now reached eight times the original target to send one Shelterbox out to the survivors of the earthquake –  it would be brilliant if we make that ten. It will take a very long time to fix Haiti, so if you haven’t already donated, please click here.

Tom continues to say really cute things. Take last week: I told him about Haiti in the most basic way possible. The following day, he was watching telly while I made the tea. He insists he’s too old for Cbeebies now and has learnt how to turn over to CBBC. It’s mainly a lot of precocious kids on there but there’s also Newsround and that’s what was on when I walked in the front room.

“Are these the people whose houses fell down?” he pointed at a report from Haiti.

“Yeah, that’s right.”

“Oh. They can’t eat breakfast or colour in or eat tea or play with their toys. Can we send them our house please?”

I know it’s twee but he really does make me proud. I thought of this the other day as I stood in a long queue in Primark, listening to the unfeasible amount of screaming babies wriggling in their buggies. I remember shopping there when I was pregnant. I couldn’t afford many good maternity clothes so I had one pair of jeans with a stretchy waistband and used to buy big baggy tops in Primark. I remember walking through there, a load of tops draped over my arms, listening to those wailing kids. I caught sight of myself in a mirror, all pale under the fake yellow light. Huge, bloated, a constant frown on my face. What the hell am I doing? I thought. This is all I’ve got to look forward to.

Yesterday, I found an old notebook. It had notes in it that I wrote when I was pregnant. I don ‘t even remember writing that stuff, I can’t believe how distraught I was. From now on, I’ll just be mopping up baby sick and watching daytime TV. I wrote. One of my friends confessed recently that she was worried about me when I was pregnant because I was the ‘least child-friendly’ person she knew.

Tonight, Tom said “You’re my favourite family person Mum.”

“Thanks. You’re mine.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re ace and I grew you in my tummy.”

“Did you choose me?”

“No. I didn’t choose you and I’m glad you’re such a good boy because I didn’t know you would be and I was frightened.”

“Why?”

“Because I didn’t think I’d be good at being a Mum.”

“You are really good at being a Mum though!”

“Thanks.”

“You’re my zero family person.”

“Zero?”

“Yeah. Zero comes before one. You’re my best.”

I know I’ve said it before, but it’s loads better than I thought it would be.

Writing about all this soppy love stuff seems like an appropriate time to mention a reading I am doing next month in Preston. Novelist Jenn Ashworth has asked me to read at Word Soup, alongside Joe Stretch, whose take on love is far from soppy. I used to knock about Preston when I was a teenager, so that’ll be strange. Look here…

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10 Comments

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10 responses to “Nothing. Zilch. Nada.

  1. Just dropping by to say hello. And to say that your little guy sounds so precious. You’re a terrific mom!

  2. Sam

    I’ve been reading your blog for a few months now and your blogs in my “favourites”. LOL.. I just thought I’d tell you that your blog is really interesting and entertaining. You seem like a lovely person and you little boy sounds adorable. I don’t know how I’d have coped in your position but you’ve achieved so much and Tom sounds lovely. I hope you’re really proud of yourself. 🙂

  3. maryfclark

    Sounds like you did the right thing, going ahead and having your shitty twenties, that turned out not to be so shitty after all. Tom sounds perfect. Boys are the best. They say the weirdest, loveliest, most amazing things, and they give fabby hugs.

  4. whatwewrote

    Gosh. I’m so pleased it turned out so much better than okay for you- your boy sounds a cutie!

  5. zed

    I’d love to know what that one-to-one mother-child relationship is like. Difficult at times, no doubt, but something I’d love to have been able to have. Tom appears to have turned out just fine – you’re doing something right 🙂

  6. I’m in my shitty twenties too although turns out the good out weighs the bad and aren’t so shitty after all. I’m expecting my first baby now so your stories are inspirational! At the end of the day what matters is your son and the relationship you have 🙂

  7. Jane Wignall

    Hi
    Will def come and see you in Preston honey, so proud of you.
    Jane x

  8. Haha, sorry this has nothing to do with this post, but I was catching up on all the posts I’ve missed and saw your picture of Margaret and did this big, surprised belly-laugh that made my hamster jump and go crazy. Have really missed you blog 🙂

  9. Kate Clanchy

    Hi,
    drop me an email? I have a proposal…
    K

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